Buzzword Analysis of the 2005 State of the Union Address

Well, the address has come and gone, and we still aren't sure what it meant. Again, many of the phrases turned were fraught with portent, but their true portent is yet to be revealed. Inspired by the buzzword bingo cards at Able Plus Systems we present a blow-by-blow buzzword analysis of the speech. Consult the table below to see what the words meant to the red people and to the blue people.

When He Said	The Red People Thought	The Blue People Thought
2.3 million new jobs	The Clinton-Lewinsky Recession is finally over!	Only a Republican could create jobs while unemployment rises, people give up looking for work, and total wages fall. They are part-time jobs, second jobs because one is not enough, minimum wage jobs, fast food jobs. And he's still 20 million jobs behind Clinton.
Active force for good	We had to use force.	Good is so rarely accomplished by force.
Activist judges	Democratic appointees Liberals Aetheist judges	Democratic appointees Eisenhower appointees Nixon appointees Ford appointees Even some Reagan appointees Judges who think that Governments are instituted among us to secure our rights.
All these proposals are essential	We're very gracious when we get everything we want.	He's going to get everything he wants, anyway. Might as well be gracious about it.
Americans going back to work	The Clinton-Lewinsky recession is finally over.	Yeah, after they get home from their first job.
America's economy is the fastest growing of any major industrialized nation	Kiss my butt, France.	He didn't take in too much territory. How come we can't outdo India, China, Ireland, Equatorial Guinea and Singapore?
As Prime Minister Allawi said in his speech to Congress	Allawi's a good man.	Former member of Saddam's secret police. Terrorist who blew up a school bus. Does Bush think we forgot that the White House wrote that speech for him?
As you stand for your own liberty, America stands with you	They will win their freedom if we give them a little of the American spirit.	You want to send troops where?
Build a better world	For Jesus	Couldn't we just stop ruining this one for a while?
Clean coal	All things are possible through Jesus.	Campaign contributors. Just like the clean arsenic and clean mercury folks.
Closing the achievement gap	See, it's working.	Because Congress appropriated more money for education than Bush wanted to spend. Oh, and the emphasis on exams in the schools sure seems to be getting those who do poorly on exams to drop out.
Community colleges	Colleges for people who won't mind working for a Republican boss.	Colleges for part-time students who are working their way through, where the people who know that Bush is a bozo don't have much time to influence those who aren't sure yet.
Continue to support our military	Hurray for our military.	Continue sending them into the most ill-conceived adventures.
Cut power plant pollution	See, it's working.	Gut the Clean Air Act, roll back regulations, and impose new limits that won't take effect until 2015.
Do not fulfill essential priorities	Let's cut the waste.	Essential for Jeb to raise campaign funds for 2008.
Easy to understand	If I can't understand it, we don't need it.	"Bend over." That's easy to understand.
Economic leader	We ought to get more respect.	Leader in exporting jobs.
Encourages conservation	We're for smart conservation.	So why can't we limit CO2 emissions?
Environmentally responsible energy	Since we're driving safe SUV's, let's raise speed limits some more.	You've finally admitted that there's global warming. How long until you do something about that?
Every judicial nominee deserves an up-or-down vote	That sounds fair.	Unless, of course, he or she was nominated by Clinton.
Expanded research on defenses against biological and chemical attack	We'll show those terrorists.	What defenses against biological and chemical attack? You geniuses haven't even figured out the anthrax attack on the Capitol.
Expansion of opportunity	Everyone should have a chance.	Why can't we deal with the tremendous expansion of economic inequality?
Fair to all	We should be fair to all.	And excellent to a few.
Force of human freedom	Hurrah for freedom!	How about freedom from torture? Freedom from searches without probable cause? Freedom from perpetual incarceration without a trial?
Freedom from fear	Republicans will protect us.	How about freedom from fear of torture? Freedom from fear of perpetual incarceration without a trial?
Freedom will lead to peace	There are seldom wars between two countries in which McDonald's operates.	Don't you that would work a little better the other way around?
Health savings accounts	Another source of tax relief.	Another way to get workers to bear the runaway costs of health care about which he does nothing.
Healthy, growing economy	Must be. I haven't lost my job, yet.	Has he talked to anyone who tried to find a job recently?
If whole regions of the world ... grow in hatred	We'll stand tall and hate them back.	You've surely accomplished that.
Increasing the size of Pell Grants	See, he cares about education.	He always takes credit for proposing to give back a little bit of what he's already taken away.
Jeopardize our economic strength by increasing payroll taxes	Taxes are bad. Better to pay taxes at the same rate for a longer time to get a lesser benefit than to increase tax rates.	Why is paying a little extra tax to get retirement benefits over a longer life expectancy such a bad idea?
Junk lawsuits	Lawyers make money from lawsuits and give it to Democratic candidates. We'll put an end to that.	Doesn't he like juries? Sure he doesn't. They deliver real accountability.
Liberty for all	Liberty is good. Except for homosexuals, atheists, and dissidents.	All who can afford it, at least.
Modernized electricity grid	Progress is good.	Another one for the short memory people, the de-regulated grid that caused the Great Blackout.
More competitive	It's good that labor has to compete for jobs.	I'd rather get a no-bid contract like Halliburton's.
More flexible	Flexible is good.	They want me to work unpaid overtime for what?
More innovative	Innovative is good.	That induction earpiece prompting device that Bush wore during the first debate, that was innovative. Maybe he wears it all the time. A robo-tronic President who never has to think for himself and is under continuous control of his handlers, that's innovative. Innovative isn't always good.
Move ahead with courage and honesty	We stand for honest values.	This really would be something new.
Nations around the globe have stood with us	There are people who like us.	When bribed, threatened, and lied to enough. But about 20 countries have quit our coalition in Iraq.
Needless regulation	Isn't that all regulation?	If they won't regulate, and we can't sue, what do we do?
No longer without attention and without consequence	We're going after the bad guys.	What consequences have Pakistan and AQ Khan suffered?
Not eaten up by hidden Wall Street fees	We'll keep our money.	Hidden? Hidden Wall Street fees are illegal. So are hidden credit card interest charges and hidden telephone surcharges. So they don't hide them. They make billions on non-hidden fees.
Open, candid review	We're open and candid.	Candid means "giving a balanced view". When has Bush or any high-ranking member of his team ever been candid?
Our military are ... unmatched in honor and decency	We support our military.	But you're sure getting them a lot of bad press around the world.
Pro-growth	Growth is good.	Growth of economic inequality, growth of environmental deterioration, growth of our addiction to oil.
Recruiting grounds for terror	We'll stomp them out.	You've sure created one of those.
Renewable sources such as ethanol	Good news for the farmers.	Would be very good if only we could get ethanol to yield more energy than it uses up in growing the corn and producing the ethanol.
Road of Providence	We're on the path to glory.	The serial-DUI guy who couldn't find a Stuckey's on I-75 if you gave him a Texaco Road Atlas is telling us about the Road of Providence?
Save Social Security	Get rid of FDR's legacy.	Let's do that, save it from you.
Sovereign Iraq	Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it.	Except that American forces and contractors in Iraq are completely protected from the exercise of Iraqi sovereignty.
Standards are higher	We have the highest of high standards.	But you're not helping anyone meet them.
Tax relief	Taxes are bad.	Two dollar relief for us and million dollar relief for them.
Test scores are on the rise	See, it's working.	The first year, the test scores were very low. The second year, they changed the rules to get more reasonable test scores.
The government can never take it away	I'll retire on my own money.	That's exactly why FDR put individual earnings records into the Social Security system. It's already fixed, Little George. You're as wrong as you were when you said thirty years ago that Social Security would be bankrupt in ten years.
Victory of freedom in Iraq	We won.	Mission accomplished.
Vital front in the war on terror	We have to be in Iraq.	You've surely made it that.
We will help that proud, new nation	We are so charitable.	This is the candidate who said he wouldn't do 'nation building'? And when do the troops leave Iraq for the next war?
We will not set an artificial timetable	We're not going to cut and run.	What makes a timetable artificial?
Wise and effective reform	We're not going to screw this up.	Is there anything you haven't screwed up?

Please

• Listen and think carefully.
• Have enough sense to holler "Bullshit" when you get hit in the head with a bucket of it.

Last Modified: Sat Feb 05 17:45:17 2005